Trigger warning i guess. Im not good with this. So i dont know how it works but i dont want to upset anyone. Dont read unless you truly want to. I know this isnt what im supposed to post.

First. Im safe, and im fine. Dont worry, ill tell my therapist but she knows most of it already. Im scared of course, posting this is terrifiying. Its been a very rough year. My friend of nearly a decade passed in a bad way before the start of it and i decided to do everything i cpuld to be a better person. So.. a lot of change. Ive really done a lot of work and i feel like ive gotten nowhere. That i dont even understand myself or why i act or feel like i do. And now its another rough patch, with pain and medical bills and pretending to my loved ones that its fine and ive got it under some control. And i dont. Im losing it a bit. Im not okay. I dont think ive ever had a chance to just be okay. I just wish i had a plan. Or some hope or anything but i feel like im the issue, that i should be doing better and helping my loved ones instead of being like this. I tend to hide and wait out my issues and now that im trying to fix it all its like doing a puzzle. That someone stole pieces from years ago, thats been molding under a bed somewhere. I cant solve it. I cant fix it. Its probably too late. Im sorry fpr posting this. I just feel like i shouldnt. But maybe thats why i want to, maybe im reaching out i domt even know. The last few nights have been overwhelming. Im sorry. Maybe its the pain pills or something, im just so tired and emotional. I tend to move in cycles of being okay and not. Ill be fine. This has just been a very hard year. Honestly i might delete this or just cut and run. I dont know what i need or want. But maybe making this will help get some off my chest a bit.